To my Solace..

I've been looking for the right words for almost thirty minutes now. The 'delete' button became my best friend already but still, I can't find the the right, exact, not cheesy words to tell you how much I appreciate you. Ah, there you go.

What's with the sudden emotional overflow? Um, it is kinda hard to explain. You see, I decided to create an entry for you because I wanted to brag. Yes, that's right. Out of conceit. I really wanted them to know how you held me tonight. No, not that xxx sort of 'held' but it's how you put your arms around me and said I'm sorry.

I know it's been hard for both of us these past few days because you have to go to school then go to work then do your household chores then there's me asking: "So, asan ako 'dun?". It's like you don't stop running around. OK, so it's been hard mostly on you, but hey, I love you so it's also difficult for me to see you having a hard time.

Finally last night, after a long week, you were able to lie down beside me. Asleep. I tried to wake you up by kissing you lightly on your cheeks but then you were still asleep. Fast asleep. On the lips. I heard snores. When I couldn't bear it any longer, I shook your shoulders and that woke you up. You took a deep breath and said, "Pasensya na Mahal ha..". I thought you were already awake so I blabbered excitedly about how our cosplaying went only to notice you're snoring. Again.

I gave up. So I gently ran my hands over the growing stubbles on your jaw and chin but to my surprise, you brushed it away.

"Aba! Ang galing mo ha! Lumayas ka sa kama ko, umuwi ka sa inyo at doon ka plumakda at matulog na parang walang pakialam sa mundo!.."


That's what I wanted to tell you. But since I'm a girl, I did what's natural.


I pulled the other half of the blanket that's covering you! But you didn't respond. I took your tandayan but you didn't even budge a little. I picked the wallet out of your pocket but I guess there's nothing in there so you still didn't care. I tried opening your eyelids and blinding you with your CP's light but you just turned over and went back to sleep. Alas, I moved on the other edge of the bed, turned my back on you and did the second most natural thing to do.

Sleep, of course!

But I was so hurt that I cried. I keep on thinking that you might probably sleep until morning without realizing that you've brushed me away. I wanted to whack you on the head but I understood that you were dead tired. So there, I surrendered. I was ready to go to sleep with tears in my eyes and a burden in my heart when I felt you move. I turned over and saw you, in your sleep, reaching your arms out and looking for me. I instinctively moved away but you keep reaching out until you found me. (Besides, the bed isn't that large.)

.. and in your arms, I continued crying. Lo and behold, that woke you up.

Baka, ne?

I don't know why but at that time, I felt I was the character of that TV series I was watching and I was pleased. I realized that I've been given the privilege of your arms' warmth for seven years already and they've always waited for my return. This is my dream that you made into reality.
You are my very own genius, conductor and rockstar.


Xie xie.
Arigatou.
Thank you.. :)

Yours,
Serenity..

ちあき しにち

Chiaki Shinichi!

Did you see that? His name is in hiragana and I can't even believe I understand that now.. :)

Study, study, study! Gambarimasu! ^__^V

Moon..

Tsuki

Your beginning is my end
and my end is your beginning
(I begin when you end
and when I end, you begin)
Like a shadow of your light
destined not to touch..

Your light is my existence;
Only a glimpse of your brilliance
I am you
But you are never me.


-- Essie-hime
-xoxoxoxoxox-



-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-



Ai Yazawa is one of my favorite mangaka because of NANA and Paradise Kiss. I've heard of her other works such as Princess Ai, Gokinjo Monogatari and Tenshi Nanaka Ja Nai but I never came across any of them yet until last night.

After checking Paula's blog, I really got curious about Hyde from L'Arc-en-Ciel. I went to youtube to check him out then found this cute video of him and his wife Megumi Oishi meeting for the first time. I can't believe how cute he is.. hahaha.. xD He was really shy, so adorable.. ;) then I went to wikipedia to check his background and there I saw that aside from the movie Moon Child, he also had another one called Kagen no Tsuki. OMG, an Ai Yazawa. So there, went back to onemanga and finished the whole manga in one sitting.

That's more of website hopping, if you ask me..

When I retired back to bed, of course Ai Yazawa's work haunted me again. Thus, a poem after a long time of being unable to create one. Uhm, but I think the poem is still a diamond in the rough (hahaha, love your own work! :D)

Of Wheels and Dreams..

I always follow straight lines.

Just like other kids, I also tried riding a bicycle when I was young. It was exhilarating! The wind would lift my hair from my nape, the sun would dry up my sweat and burn my arms while my feet wouldn't stop from pedaling. It was a wonderland, until the security guard from the bank would approach me and ward me off since I'm on a private property. I'm on the bank's parking lot. But I like riding my bike there, it's perfect. Darn Manong Guard! So, as I scurry away from the bank, I would throw the man a killing stare, not that it affects him. He's already busy opening doors anyway. So I went there again the following day, and the next day and the following day after the next day until the Manong Guard grew tired of my presence there and left me to enjoy my wonderland. But we moved to a new house, that ended my beautiful biking days.

Looking back, I remember three reasons why I love biking at the back of the bank's office. One, I have the place to myself (yeah, because other kids would usually play at Balagtas, a park near our house). Two, the road's a cement not an asphalt and three, I could roam free inside the parking area's four corners without worrying about other kids that I might run down with my bike or other kids that might borrow my bike from me.

As I told you before, we moved and that ended my beautiful biking days but until now, I never learned to turn left nor right on a bike. I am telling you, I always follow straight lines.

I am so afraid of falling flat on the ground. That's why I didn't want to ride together with other kids at Balagtas because I once borrowed a friend's bike and I fell hard on my face. I was quite tall for my age then (but never got taller.. xD) and was rumored to be always on top of my class. Everybody has high hopes on me. When I rode that bike, turned and fell, it was really painful but what's more painful was their laughter. So I think from then on, I hated responsibilities. Just like how I hated turning left or right on my bike.

Turning always make me feel like falling so what I do every time I need to go back to the other end of the lot is dismount my bike, drag it to face the right direction then ride it again. It's that simple. I felt safer that way.

So thus, my working days came. I've never really given thoughts of my bike riding days until recently. My attitude towards work reminded me of my riding habits. Alas, until now, I still follow straight lines, get off my bike when I'm faced to the wall, turn my back from it then ride again. A never ending bicycle circus.

Right at this very moment, my heart's beating really fast, wanting to prove that I can turn without getting off. That I can face the wall then turn from it gracefully. I keep imagining that it will be like looking back to somebody who belittled you while flipping your hair, thinking: "O ha, ano ka ngayon?" Well, that speech was me, maybe you can think of a better line to say. :D

So there, no more getting off Essie-hime, just pedaling.

And turning.

Sigh.

...

...

...

Here goes nothing.

*closes eyes*

Essie Molina = Emo.. :p

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

Just bend the pieces til they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this

Just bend the pieces til they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts


Ghost of a Good Thing by Dashboard Confessional.


I cried my ass off after listening to this song. It hit me so hard that I listened to it all day. While walking, cleaning, taking a bath, eating. When my cousin, Judith, came home, I made her listen to the song. Jeff and Arvin became my victims too. They were talking while I made them listen. They continued talking, I continued crying. It's just so... Sad. Because it's making me wake up to reality. Maybe I'm only chasing the ghost of a good thing, maybe I'm only bending pieces to fit. Maybe.

OK, there goes one tissue pack.

Sa 'yo, Nathan.. :p

Dear Nathan,

"Bwiset ka. Pinaiyak mo 'ko."

'Yan lang dapat ang ilalagay 'kong comment sa napaka-ikli mong post for me. Two reasons.
1. To tease you since sabi mo gusto mo ng mahabang comment.
2. Because it's true. ;)

Looking back, I've lost count on how many times I've tried to put a sensible comment on your friendster account. 'Yung tipong makapagbagbag damdamin. Everytime I try to do so, I would start to reminisce then would eventually stop since I don't know how to put all of them into words.

I remember, back CCT days, you were so popular among our batch. It's like there is an unvoiced saying that goes: "Kung hindi mo friend si Tan, di ka popular!" or something like that. You were always surrounded with excitement (e.g. Troy, Joie, Kaye) and I just remember looking at you from a safe distance. Si Con-Con pa lagi ko nung kasama. Then, ewan, di ko alam when we started talking to each other. I don't remember what's our first conversation is like but I bet it's about anime. I was so glad then I met somebody in CVG that knows anime specially the super cheesy na Sailor Moon! Hahaha.. xD Ah, I guess it was when everybody from M21 migrated to Back Office when we started to really talk. We were the only ones left from the original team since pareho tayo ng weakness: ATTENDANCE! Hehe.. Then I remember saying to myself (swear, I really told myself this) that you look kinda sad, so I decided to become your friend. ^_^

Thus,

• Becoming your friend means me influencing you to play Ragnarok Online. Yup Odin server pero si Neera ko ay isang Brewer Alchemist! Ang Full Support Priest ko ay si ....daph...! I remember spongecola001, obvious kaya na may crush ka sa kanya! Hahaha.. xD

• To bear with your fetishes. Habang nasa dulong stations tayo para mag-internet, pinapapunta mo ako nun sa website ni Asia Agcaoili para maghanap ng sextoys! Then nung nabanggit ko sa 'yo na merong dildong binebenta sa Sta. Cruz eh gusto mo akong pabilihin!

• To let you in to my life. I'm a Scorpion, natural na sa akin maging secretive pero when it comes to you I can easily say what I want to say. Kasi sabi mo nun manhid ka, I took that seriously. Let me share you what I've written on my prev blog, 'yung hadazawari-ekek. I found the right address pero I'm not putting any further post on that one so eto, quote na lang..

I.. wouldn't want them to read my blogposts because these are my words of reality to them. Words I would never have the courage to say, or words that I've said but I'll be dismissing as a joke later on..

But I know one person who can read this. Shamashu. He'll never know what he means to me. He's my so called "insensitive" friend but he can listen to all my angst in the world and then dismiss it afterwards. He's currently doing some blogposting too, where he vents out all his carnal desires in the written form. *evil laugh* To you, thank you for the inspiration!...

... and I never had the chance to thank you properly for listening to my rants back then. Nung "mahaba ang hair ko." Bwiset ka sa buhay nun, araw-araw mo 'kong sinasabihan na "salawahan" or "nakikiapid" or "lalakero" pero that never fails to put a smile on my face, until now, natatawa kasi ako sa expression ng mukha mo. Hehe. xD

• To let you let me in to your life. I always advise you things. To save up, to buy yourself a new PC, to learn Corel or Photoshop, to learn Japanese. I always tell you to love yourself because you'll never really know how to love somebody else if you don't love yourself first. But then again you would only know how to fully love yourself by finding the person that brings out the best in you. Confusing noh? Aawayin mo nanaman ako kasi I'm talking in riddles again. I told you, hindi ako magaling sa "direct to the point". I need to learn that skill, pronto! Basta ang main point dun, mahalin mo si Nathan Cervillano!


Essie-hime
- xoxoxox -
(may "hime" na lagi 'yan sa dulo. pauso ng accenture friend ko. it means "princess" in japanese.. ^___^)

PS. Hindi mo naman talaga kamukha si Chocolate, mas pogi ka dun.. :D at maganda naman talaga ang mata, bulag ka lang talaga kaya di mo makita. :p

I miss you Nathan. Pero kung yayayain mo uli akong manood ng isa pang ala "Daybreak" na movie, hindi na kita miss.. Aatakihin ako sa puso sa mga pinapapanood mo sa 'kin eh! :p